Well it's Tuesday. The last 5 days have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I won't go into everything on here, but I think some of the greatest pain I've experienced happens when someone I love is hurting. Example: My freshman year of college, my brother was hit head on by a drunk driver and was rushed to the hospital. When I found this out from my dad I went into the bathroom and threw up. (He's fine by the way, amazingly only broke his arm). Needless to say, my family is very important to me and would do just about anything for them.

So, with all the emotions running wild, I had a choice to make on how I was going to eat. There were some wrong choices made and some right ones. I was talking with my friend Megan last night about the mindset of getting healthy. Part of this mindset includes thinking ahead and realizing that the decisions you make today determine the outcome later on. Sounds simple. Very hard to implement to someone who is as self-centered as I am. I'm beginning to understand that my decisions have consequences. I think my next big hurdle is going to be self control. This has always been an issue for me...I tend to live excessively. Good news: God can actually overcome personalities and lifestyles. "[the young women are] to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." Titus 2:4-5. What's the reasoning behind being self controlled and pure? So that God's word isn't reviled. So that God's glory is shown. So that God can use my life for His glory and not just in spite of me, but through me and for His glory. I so desire this to be true of my life.

In other news and truly by a miracle of the Lord, I have lost 2 lbs this week! This brings my grand total to 6 lbs lost...I'll take it :)

2nd Chances...and 3rd, and 4th, and 5th, and 6th....

I ordered pizza last night. It was bound to happen. Maybe now that it's out of the way I can move on? Or, that could be wishful thinking. I tend to give up before I even let myself succeed. I expect to fail and so I do. There is grace for failures. And today is a new day. I slept through breakfast this morning, but had a lovely giant salad at Panera before work.
I've gotten a nasty cold as well. The verdict is out about exercising while congested. No one really has a definitive answer on what to do. I haven't worked out the last 2 days.....so I guess that's how I answer that question.
I was trying to figure out what I'm so scared of. I think it's fear of failure. Which is ironic because that fear almost certainly leads to failure. Like last night. Last time I was serious about Weight Watchers, I lost about 15 lbs. and then I got sick. And I stopped. And I gained it all back. I don't want that to happen again. I want to be healthy and fit, and honestly in a place where I have no hang ups, no limitations as to what the Lord has asked me to do. I wish this desire would outweigh my desire for food.
I'm sorry that my last few posts have been Debbie Downers but I am simply trying to be honest. Not trying to fish for compliments or even encouragement. It's therapeutic to simply write out my thoughts because it forces me to face them. And when I face them, I'm almost always reminded of the Truth. Truth like this: "Then the word of the LORD came to Jonah the second time" Jonah 3:1. My dad told me this verse today, and it really encouraged me. God knew that Jonah was going to disobey him the first time, and He still chose to use Him and came to him a second time. Grace. Oh that I would be continually blown away by grace. I pray that you would be as well.

Consistency

Consistency. This is huge. At the end of the day, this is what is going to make or break me. My roommate reminded me of this last night. She understands the importance of discipline in someone's life. My mind immediately gags whenever I see the word discipline. It is so against my nature to follow the rules. In fact, I'm the type that if there is a rule and I don't really like it, I will deliberately disobey it. Example: Jenny, you should journal and write things down that you're feeling. My immediate response resembles that of a 2 yr old: pouting and just saying NO. My rebellion is ugly. I wish it were not my response. Things would be so much easier. But, discipline is hard. And usually not too fun either. Case in point- eating things that I should eat and NOT eating things that I shouldn't eat. Pouting ensues. Humans have been pouting for years by the way. Since Adam and Eve. I want to do what I want to do. No matter what anyone else tells me I should do. I know that I should be eating healthy and exercising like a fiend and sometimes I want to. But, when I've been up for 14 hours and I haven't worked out that day and I need to and there's nothing in the pantry except bread, cereal, and spaghetti sauce, I don't want to. I apologize for whining and pouting. Ironic.
The reality is that this Initiative is going to take a long time. And I'm not happy about that, but it is what it is. I did lose that pound I gained back last week. But that's it. Consistency. Hopefully I'll start to see some better results in the weeks to come. Thank you all for your support :)

Selfishness

I'm so selfish. God keeps having to teach me this over and over. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Oh and I want to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. In case you were wondering. Self control. Not attainable on my own. Which is somewhat ironic because it's called self control.
"train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." Titus 2:4-5- I realize this is about wives but I think it's a good word for all women. Namely me. I desire to become this woman that Paul speaks of. Because left to my own devices I will continue to eat pizza, french fries, milkshakes, with some mexican food thrown in. I've tied eating yummy food to boredom and celebrating. Lots of people eat when they are sad or lonely. But I eat when I'm happy or want to celebrate or when I'm bored. So when I've done something wonderful or lost 4 lbs (ha!) all I want to do is celebrate with Pollo Loco at the Mexican restaurant. Fail. Once again this shows my selfishness and my need to 'perform' for rewards. What's the Truth? That God's blessings are not earned. Because we would not ever earn them, because we are nothing compared to the perfection of Christ. And that's what God uses as a measuring stick. So, I must completely lean on my Savior for everything. Good news is that He loves this, and wants good things for his children.
I thought I would wrap up today's post with sharing some more things I look forward to when I'm healthy: walk all over Disney World without getting sore (this will probably still happen); selfishly wear a two piece on vacation; wear fun clothes from the Misses section :) ; dare I say it: run. for like 6 miles straight. <---that means I have to start running soon, instead of walking :/ Selfishness. it's an ugly thing.

Glimpses of Doubt

Week 2 concluded yesterday evening. I started off Week 3 by weighing in this morning. I gained a pound. It would be very easy to start to slowly slip back into my old ways. Driving through fast food restaurants waaay too many times a week. Wasting lots of money on awful food. Going home after work and simply not doing anything worth while with my time. It would be simple to be lazy again. But. I belong to someone who has told me that my circumstances don't affect who I really am. Someone who says that what I do, does NOT determine my worth. My worth, is determined by Him. When Christ came to live with us on Earth, He lived a perfect life and died on the cross without EVER having committed a sin. Then when he rose again 3 days later, he defeated death completely. His death and resurrection allows those who believe in Him to live forever in eternity with him. And his life. Well his life lived on Earth gives us hope Right. Now. His perfect sinless life gives us hope. Why? Because when he died he traded his life for ours, taking on our sin and giving us His perfection. What does that look like? It means that when I'm sitting in the car debating on taking my iPod in the gym, God gives me the grace to take it in because He knows what's in that gym. He knows that there are things in there that I can't handle on my own, like ridiculously beautiful men working out or even teeny tiny women busting it on the elliptical making me feel minuscule. He knows that on my iPod is worship music that keeps my focus on Him instead of those around me or even on myself. God goes ahead of me and fights for me. Then when I get to wherever He's taken me, he gives me strength and grace to get through it. That's why I'm not giving up. Not because I'm tired of being big or lazy or whatever. But because, God. Fights. For. Me. and He fights for you too, if you let him.

Week One. Check.

Happy Wednesday everyone!
I'm planning on doing my updates Tuesday nights and Friday mornings but I don't have internet yet, so I had to wait.
I made it through Week 1!! I'm happy to report that I lost 4 lbs last week :) It's such a great feeling to see results this early. The food aspect has been really great. I've been pretty creative with my salads- On Monday I had my leftover pasta on my salad and it was fabulous...I wish I had pictures to show you! Today I am having a pretty basic salad of greens, carrots, cheese, and rosemary chicken. The rosemary chicken is from Whole Foods, which can I just tell you, I love and kind of hate this place. I love all of the fun foods in that store and the people are a little crazy and quirky, but it can get pricey. I went in on Monday night just to get a few things here and there so as not to break the bank.
Moving on. The exercise. This is continuing to be a struggle. I went to exercise last night at my apartment's little teensy gym, because I was too lazy to drive to the Y. I walked up to the gym and noticed the TV was on. Then I noticed a man running on the treadmill. I spun on my heel and headed back to my apartment. I'm such a chicken. This situation also revealed my own insecurities and how I continue to care about what others think of me. Boo. Today I'm planning on going to swim after work. This time with goggles and a one piece. :)
Please pray that I will 'try harder' to rely on the Lord more and more! Thanks for your support!

The Awkwardness of Getting Healthy

Caution: This post may be too open and honest for some. Read on if you dare (heh, now ALL of you will keep reading just to see what I have to say).

This is intended to be a quick update in my little world of getting healthy, but it will also serve to expose you to the awkwardness that ensues. Enjoy.
First things first: I'm not sure what to do with all my extra time. I'm coming to realize that I spent alot of my precious time thinking, planning, and EATING food. This is just sad. Bleh.
Secondly, exercising is not what it used to be. I've entered into the world of shin splints and sweat. Don't get me wrong, I feel incredible after I've worked out; I think it's just going to take awhile to start loving it.
Example: I used to play basketball and I wasn't half bad at it. I really loved it. Because of this, I like to shoot random things into imaginary baskets. I know I can't be the only one who does this. Sometimes I miss said basket. Like last night, when I sailed my beloved swimming goggles through the air. Unbeknownst to me, I missed. I've moved recently. Result: I can't find anything! Including my one piece swimsuit. My thoughts: well, it won't be that uncomfortable to swim in my super cute tankini, who knows maybe a boy will see me. Stupid. Oh, I'm sure a boy saw me alright! Sorry, slightly inappropriate. Swimming laps creates currents and force which pushes down. Bad idea. I'm sure I looked more than ridiculous swimming my laps with my eyes squeezed shut and one had trying to keep my drawers from falling to my knees. It was bad. But now, typing it out, it is hilarious. I've learned my lesson and it won't keep me from getting in the pool.
Third awkward truth: I've been drinking so. much. water that I've gone to the bathroom no less than 900x a day. Ok. Not really. But it feels like it. This can be especially awkward at work. "Jenny!, are you taking another break?!" "Oh yea, sorry....when you gotta go you gotta go...." Ok that conversation didn't really happen, but it did in my head.

Anywho, I can't help but notice that all of my awkward insecurities are settled around what others are thinking of me. This helps me see the sin in my heart and mind. This helps me remember that the only opinion that matters is God's.
Isaiah 43:1: “But now, this is what the LORD says—He who created you, O Jacob, he who has formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.’ This is the truth that I need to think of in these awkward, sometimes funny, sometimes desperate moments. God has redeemed me, called me out, and I am His. That's really all that matters.

The Initiative

Today I start a journey I like to call The Initiative. I know this sounds silly and maybe it's the LOST freak in me, but I like it (and that's all that matters, right?). This Initiative is one that will hopefully change how I live my life. It will include a drastic makeover of eating habits and exercising my tail off.....literally HA!
I've been thinking about this awhile and I've been waiting around. On what you ask...I'm not sure. I had a list of excuses including but not limited to: I'm fine with the way I look, it's just everyone else who has a problem with it; My health is fine, in fact my cholesterol is perfect according to the Doc; I don't have enough time/money, etc and it goes on.....
I also kept telling myself that the only reason I would get skinny would be to get a man and because I had that attitude I shouldn't do anything about it. Ridiculous. Thinking on these things reveals the selfishness in my heart. And it makes me sick. It's time to change.
I realize I cannot do this. I cannot change myself with sheer willpower. As much as I wish it was, my life is not a Disney movie. Jiminy Cricket is wrong- just because I wish it and dream it doesn't mean it will happen. No, this can only happen by the grace of God. My good works and all my best intentions without Jesus are worthless: Isaiah 64:6 says, "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away." Compared to the life of Christ, mine does not measure up. This is why the Gospel is such Good News. I don't have to live the perfect life because Jesus already did. He traded his perfect life and righteousness for ALL my sin and shame. It is only by this beautiful truth that change can happen in my life.
I also know that I can't sit by and expect God to change me from my post on the couch in front of my big screen. Oh no. I have to make an effort :) Part of my plan includes eating a ginormous salad everyday at lunch. I know what you're thinking...that's gonna get really old. But I have high hopes of my creativity kicking in and making that salad a fun part of my day. I got the initial idea from here: http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/2011/12/14/how-to-make-a-delicious-400-calorie-salad/ . This is a wonderful blog, but this particular post talks about the salad-for-lunch plan.
Exercising is also part of the initiative. I'm kind of doing this on my own and relying on my athletic self to shine through for me. You see, I LOVE the way I feel after I work out. I just have to get myself to start the workout. And it's starting. Monday and Tuesday afternoons. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday mornings. I have a date with the YMCA. If you see me elsewhere during these times feel free to call me out :) The jury is still out for the weekend and how I should handle that. Suggestions are welcome.
Finally, I wanted to give you all a glimpse into not my motivation but I guess my dream of what God could do with this. I see myself hiking and actually liking it in the future. I'd love to learn to surf and partake in other oceanic activities. I'd love to be able to sit indian style on an airplane and read an awesome book. I'd love to go dancing and not sweat through my clothes. These are just a few things I look forward to...I'll be adding to this periodically.
I hope you all have a blessed Tuesday and I hope and pray that you see the Gospel today in your lives.