April 25 2012- My First Birthday

If I haven't talked to you in awhile you might be slightly shocked after you read this, or maybe not. Anyway, you've been warned :). A year ago today, I gave my life to Christ and chose to follow, love, and obey him for the rest of my life. It was the most important decision I've ever made and will ever make. The years, months, and days leading up to that one are nothing short of a miracle. I'll give a brief overview: I grew up in a loving Christian home. My dad was in fact in the ministry and told people about Jesus everyday, including me and my brothers. Growing up in the church, especially when your parents are in leadership, is a blessing, but also presents itself with some challenges. My parents never asked this of me, but I expected perfection from myself. Our lives were lived in high focus and I felt that I should hold my end of the bargain. I was a good kid. And I reveled in the merits that I was earning. Good grades, pride from adults, good friends, etc. When I was about 7 I told my parents that I had gotten "saved", and wanted to be baptized. My BFF at the time was also making the same decision, i.e. not a genuine decision for me. When I was about 10, I realized I wasn't saved and talked my dad about it. I prayed a prayer because that's what you're supposed to do. Again, I was making decisions based on what I thought was expected of me. The difference this time was that I knew what sin was and that I had it. So began my journey to get rid of the sin I had. This tarnished my perfection. At the time, I had no idea this was what I was doing. I simply thought everyone who was a Christian went through this. Everyone had to figure out how to clean their lives up after they met Jesus right? Wow, sounds so messed up as I'm typing it out. Anyway, I grew up in the church as a leader in youth group and in school, and grew my reputation as the good girl. I was the preacher's daughter that didn't fit the stereotype. Rebellion was the furthest thing from my mind and heart, that would bring on way too much disappointment. Senior year of high school rolled along and with it came the ugliness of sin and the lies of Satan. So, began my 7 year journey of addiction a.k.a. SIN. Those 7 years were filled with high and lows. Crying out to God. Broken promises. LIES. Anger at God. Anger at men. Lots of questions beginning with Why. Doubt. Guilt. Shame. I could go on and on. Looking back here's what I know: God has been in relentless pursuit of me. When I thought I was furthest from him, He was drawing me even closer. The pressure cooker intensified over the last 2 years. I know I'm being pretty candid here but I think it's okay. My sin started to take over every aspect of my life. It was obvious to those around me that I was a slave to it. My eyes were blinded to it. I thought that I had a handle on things. I was in counseling to try and "fix" it. I was still attending church and going to small group. I was in fact some what infecting those around me. My sin began to harden my heart and I was adamantly against change. My friends would suggest to me to change something here or there, or maybe journal or memorize a Bible verse. And I would nastily reply, "Nope." My counselor told me I had to go talk to the dean of my school because I was breaking their covenant. I obeyed and was put on probation. This eventually turned into suspension and then expulsion. Sin had dug it's nasty claws deep into my heart. I had no plans, and in my eyes no future after that. I went deeper still into sin. My best friend told me she could no longer be friends with me. My sin was effecting her too much. Like I said, it was a dark place. I moved in with a good friend who patiently poured truth into me and was there when I thought my world was falling apart. Her love and kindness showed me the Gospel in the midst of my hurt. April of 2011 rolled around. I went to a women's retreat with my church where we talked about emotions. I had discovered that I had been angry at God, for things I thought He had done to hurt me. They were in fact done because He loves me more than I can fathom. Lots of healing occurred that weekend. Good Friday I dragged my wonderful roommate to hear David Platt talk about salvation at Secret Church (if you don't know what that is, look it up!). My life was forever changed. Keep in mind that up to this point, I thought that the Spirit lived inside of me and that I belonged to Jesus. David prayed before his teaching that those who were not saved would be so uncomfortable that night. I haven't squirmed so much in my life. He started talking about the doctrine of Adoption. He talked about John Wesley and how he was a pastor and sent as a missionary but wasn't saved until later. Looking back over his life he realized he had always had the faith of a servant, but he'd never had the faith of a son until he was converted. Holy cow. I turned to my friend and whispered, "I think that's me." She graciously replied, OK. That weekend was crazy. I remember looking back over the events of my life and seeing God's hand in ALL of it. The discipline that was shown to me at school: God's grace. My best friend stepping out of my life: God's grace. God knew exactly what I held above HIM. School, friends. He used those circumstances to show my need for Him. He used all of these things to show me that the ONLY thing I need is Him. Salvation, sanctification, can't be earned. There's nothing I can do to "fix" my situation. God's grace was uber bright in my face. So, on April 25, 2011, the Monday after Easter, I read Romans and gave my life to Jesus. He began to immediately change my heart. Gone were the days of outright rebellion. Why did I want to obey? Simply because Jesus loves me. Why wouldn't I want to?? Soon after, I was baptized in the lake in the witness of my church, and my best friend. How much has changed? I don't know. It feels like not alot, but I know that's not true. God continually shows me where He is in my life, and continues to show me the evidences of Grace. They are new every morning. My heart is changing and my deepest desire is for Him, and not of the things of this world. Do I have hard days? Absolutely. But guess what? Just because Jesus "has" me now, doesn't me he hasn't stopped pursuing me. His love overwhelms me continually. God's grace is sufficient. More than in fact. Did I think I would be where I am today? Nope. But I'm so grateful that I am. I know that the things I have been through will only be used for good in the future. So friends, be encouraged and know that God loves you so much and that He will continue to pursue you, even when you don't want Him too.